Buses “so damned jam-packed that my baby is going to come out of my womb!”

Thai humor: Buses "so damned jam-packed that my baby is going to come out of my womb!" - translated and summarized from "Viva BMTA Bangkok Bus", originally at Pantip.com and published in Khao Hua Rau weekly magazine, courtesy of Khao Hua Rau, No. 778

[This article details, with the highest amount of sarcasm possible, the perpetually bad bus service of Bangkok. Normally we edit these, but the raw turns-of-phrase in this piece sound funnier unedited.]

1) BMTA No. 510 - Pra Padaeng - Rangsit (now shortened to either Rangsit - Victory Monument or Talad Thai - Victory Monument)

This one is the most arrogant and snobbish line. They seem to refuse to stop to pick up passengers. Even when they stop to pick up passengers, they usually go beyond the bus stops. This one is also very hard to find.
2) No 8. Pakklong Talad (Memorial Bridge) - Happy Land
This legendary line has the fastest driver in Thailand. The drivers are just unemployed Formula One Racers. Many of them look as if they were just released from Bang Kwang Prison or Lad Yaop Prison. You should never sit in front or your head will smash with the front glass. Better hold the handles and fasten your seat belts. Better harden your bones though. You can fly any time.
It can run from Happyland to Pakklond Talad in 30 minutes. Even if the driver does not hold the steering wheel it can go around the curve. Some even can fly at the bridge before reaching Saphan Lek (Sam Yod Intersection). It can be jam-packed like Bus No 504 any time despite the very fast running.
3) No. 506 Phra Padaeng - Pakkret.
This is the longest route--starting from Pa Padaeng then goes into Bangkok city center passing Wat Arun, Memorial Bridge, Wat Po, Tha Tian, Sanam Luang - Wat Phrakaeo until it reaches Pakkret with a package tour of 18-20 baht. You can bring the whole family with you since the speed limit is just 40 kph. The tour will start from 5am to 9:30pm. The system will have very hot aircon to prevent freezing. The fire extinguisher usually rolls out of the locker, the aircon and the bus usually break down. Sometimes the bus engines just turn into an explosive car bomb - with a few sparks and smoke before explosion. Run for our lives!
4) No. 504 Rangsit - Vibahvadee - Krung Thep Bridge
The most sardine-packed bus in Thailand. Women better take birth control pills and condoms to prevent pregnancy without wedlock during the jam-pack and it is a heaven for sexual molesters. Even kittens will be crushed to death due to the jam-pack
5) No 113 Minburi - Hua Lamphong
This one has broken automatic doors - better rely on manual opening. During the return trip to Minburi, the line will go to Banthat Thong Road and Yommaraj instead of going along Rama 4 Road and Phyathai Road to pick the passengers at Sam Yan and Pathumwan. Bus No 113 used to be white red, but now it is white blue with electric fans installed and the ticket price of 5 baht.
Now No 113 has aircon buses, but the air is not working very well and there are very few passenger in this aircon bus. Only aircon bus No 547 has fewer passengers-- you can talk with the bus conductors since you may be the only passengers on that No 547 bus.
6) Bus No 501. Pakklong Talad - Minburi
This bus is running from Minburi - passing Ramkhamhaeng to Phra Khanong via Klong Tan before heading to Siam before ending up at Pakklong Talad. No hope to get a seat during Saturday and Daily Rush Hour. However, it becomes empty when it passes Sukhumvit 24.
7) Bus No. 33 - Pathum Thani - Sanam Luang
This is the bus from HELL run by the Lord of Death with surname of Harn Sawat. Running from Pakkeret to Sanam Luang in 25 minutes. Many passengers have fallen from this bus during the run along the curves. Some even float in the sky for three seconds when it runs on the bridge--and the glass and mirrors have several cracks.
Children and pregnant people should NEVER ride this bus at all. Those who have to ride this bus must wear amulets, charms, crosses, talisman and Mandala sheets to protect themselves.
This bus line also has several drivers possessed by fallen Formula One racers. No wonder they need Mandala and Amulet to protect themselves and better have insurance policies with them. However sometimes this bus runs very low. Poor maintenance is norm for this line--it can break down any second even at speeds of 100 kph.
8) No. 356 - Pakkret - Rangsit - Thammasart (Rangsit Campus)
This bus is really slow--speed limit at 40 kph can take about a hour from Pakket to Laksi. This bus will park to pick up those female factory workers and there will be at least five buses of this line to pick up the factory workers. The conditions of this bus are incredible--unbelievable that it can run to Thammasart. Many times, passengers such as factory workers, children, monks, and pregnant women have to go down to push the bus to get it started again. Even the drivers complain that they can never get spare parts for reliable services from their boss.
9) No. 57 Taling Chan - Klong San
This bus has been haunted by motorcycle taxi ghosts at Pho Sam Ton. After that they will face another haunt from the truck drivers under the influence of speed pills at Pinklao - Nakhon Chaisri Highway. This bus will stop only when it hits the cars of other people. Even the passengers could seen the road from the floor of this bus.
10) Aircon Bus No. 545 (ex Aircon 126) Nonthaburi - Samrong
This line is courtesy of The Mall Group since this it passes The Mall Ngam Wongwan, The Mall Bang Kapi, and The Mall Ram Khamhaeng. Now, this bus has more support from the Jaor Group since it passes Major Ratchayothin, Major Ram Khamhaeng, and Major Ekkamai. However, some people have considered aircon bus 545 as the "Haunted Bus" due to the dilapidated condition as well as very dim lighting and so few passengers.
11) Aircon bus No. 157 (Aircon Ex No 32) Bang Pakok - Mochit 2
Those who feel very sick can ride this bus since it passes Siriraj Hospital, Ramathiboidee Hospital, King Vajiravut Hospital, Childen's Hospital, Paolo Hospital, and National Cancer Institute.
12) Minibus No. 11 - Pratoonam - Phatthanakarn [Pravet]
This one is the only serious contender to Bus No 8 and No 33 due to the speed. Some of them just did not stop until it passes 5 bus stops after when the passengers ring the bell--no matter how much yelling to the drivers. Sometimes they even see the pregnant woman turns mad like the mad elephant
since it is like canned sardines inside--she yells "so damned jam-packed that my baby is going to come out of my womb!"
When the driver of this bus slams the brakes, the back seats just blow out. When this bus passes behind Metro (near Makkasan station and Bangkok Place Hotel) it just drives on two side wheels and the other two up in the air.
13) Bus No 207 (Ram 1 [Hua Mark Campus]- Ram 2 [Bangna Campus])
Diver of this bus usually jumps the bridge across Prawet canal. Those who want to go to Seacon will have to be careful.
14) Bus No 56
So many Bus No 56 , but at least 3 busses come within 10 minutes.
15) Bus 159
So few of this bus--have to wait for 45 minutes and then three busses come together.
16) Bus 71 - Pathamawikorn - Wat Tha Thong
The drivers just slam the brakes every three minutes. They can make any sharp turn any time they want. During the night trip, the driver will just become a speed racer and make sharp turns at Klong Tan and jump the bridge across Saen Saeb Canal before reaching Klong Tan intersection and then decelerate from 60+ kph to 0 in 10 meters.
17) Minibus in Chiang Mai
These buses can park at the whim of the drivers. Sometimes just cut into the lanes of other drivers.
18) Bus No 28 (Ratchayothin - Southern Bus terminal)
Drivers of this bus usually slam the clutch and make a sudden change of gear which causes the passengers to fall. Those who stand better train their grip to prevent falling out of the bus.
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